At 4am on Sunday morning I woke with a sore throat. Swallowing was so painful that I couldn’t help but keep testing it. I lay in the pitch black, gulp, ouch, gulp, yes ouch, gulp, ouch ouch.
After a few minutes, and far too many test swallows later, I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom. Torch mode activated, finger holding down my tongue, I started peering into the depths of my throat. Yes, just as expected, many white spots on one side and a few on the other. My fall into tonsillitis had begun.
I had felt fine on Saturday, my mind didn’t think I was run down, but my body obviously had other ideas. It wanted me to grind to a halt, which always alarms me because my brain is cruel when I‘m sick.
When I’m well, I know how to manage my mind, I know how to distract it. I walk and I talk, I plan and I cook, I draw and I sew…
But when my body grinds to a halt, my mind speeds up.
I feel panicked when I’m in pain.
I feel trapped and claustrophobic.
My thoughts are more irrational.
I’m needy and perhaps just a little melodramatic.
I think deep down I’m frightened.
Being sick takes me back to my bed ridden breakdown days where my anxiety and depression meant I was reliant on others for weeks and months, rather than days.
From my prone position I managed to do a bit of reading and luckily it is very common to feel down when you’re unwell.
A Psychology Today article states “it's no coincidence that when you are physically ill, you feel more depressed than usual. Illnesses like the flu or the common cold can closely mimic and cause depressive symptoms by activating your immune response and inflammation in your body.”
The physical symptoms of being unwell - fever, fatigue, lack of appetite, lack of motivation, social withdrawal, poor concentration, and altered sleeping patterns - significantly overlap with depressive symptoms.
So if you’re suffering from endless bouts of sickness and feeling low about it, please take a little comfort in the fact that it is very normal. And I hope you’re not too uncomfortable in your body and mind whilst you sit, well, lie it out.
On Wednesday, when I got up - showered, walked the dog, went to my studio, had meetings, met a friend for coffee, wore a hat and gloves and felt the chilly outside air on my face, ate good food, drank hot tea - life was brighter than bright.
Perhaps you really do need the dark to appreciate the light. Gulp.