I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki
Baek Sehee reflects on conversations with her psychiatrist
Baek Sehee, I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki
On Wednesdays I work near a Waterstones. Which means I spend a happy twenty minutes most weeks browsing its shelves. On a recent expedition I spotted this book.
I was immediately drawn to it’s confronting title, I needed to know what tteokbokki was, and I wanted to see if the conversations Baek had had with her psychiatrist were in anyway similar to mine. Added bonus, the book was pretty slim and I had an hour long pedicure that I wanted to read through, not scroll through.
Baek Sehee was a successful young social media director working in a publishing house when she sought out the help of a psychiatrist. She was feeling persistently low and anxious, was endlessly self-doubting but also highly judgemental of others. She wanted to understand and challenge the harmful behaviours that were keeping her locked in a cycle of self-abuse.
Over a twelve-week-period, Baek recorded the conversations she had with her psychiatrist, and in this book - a memoir meets self-help guide - she shares her reflections on the experience.
Baek’s writing is dryly witty and keenly perceptive, it helps to demystify mental health support whilst offering valuable takeaways for the reader.
Here are five things that have stayed with me (don’t worry there are plenty more gems for you to discover if/when you read it for yourself).
Don’t compare yourself to other people. If you must compare, compare yourself to your past self because it is likely that they would be very proud of where you are and what you’re doing now.
Be sure to share what scares you with other people, because fear increases when it is something that you keep to yourself.
Your accumulated mistakes will help you create a stronger sense of self.
There is a lovely phase she uses about turning her gaze and her energy away from things that make her rust, and towards things of beauty. I’m trying to acknowledge my rusty thoughts and interactions, so that I too can start to turn away from them.
And through this challenging time of self-interrogation, Baek discovered her life goal, “I want to love and be loved. Without suspicion and with ease.” So beautiful.
And yes there is a recipe for making tteokbokki (Korean spicy rice cakes) at the back, which I haven’t made yet, but I plan to.
Find out more or buy the book here.
Have you read any books or articles about people’s experience of therapy? I’d love to hear your recommendations.